Remembering the “Great Purge of 2012”

4 years. That’s how long it’s been since the great purge. I’ve read, and re-read all the posts and blogs I’ve written about this life-changing event, & re-live all the memories, see the pain & stress of worry, and desperation of hoping for a miracle, and continually asking God for a miracle to save us from the hardship we endured. It was quite the harrowing journey for me and my family, but one we managed to survive and grow out from the ashes, a deep-seeded family with a lot of love and courage in our hearts.

As I try not to dwell in the past, and I try to keep everything from flooding back and sending me into a tailspin of hard emotion, I’ve decided to read all the comments from people, who continually showed their support and love for us, as we muddled thru it. 

This year, as I try not to spend so much time mourning the loss our our lives, (our possessions), I will focus as much as possible, on the good that has come from it:

*I’m grateful so many people were there for moral support.
*I feel blessed that so many people aided us in our struggle to get back on our feet.
*I’m thankful made it thru alive.
*I’m happy our situation didn’t break us, but made us stronger.
*I’m elated that it didn’t get worse, but improved over time.
*I’m so glad that all these events brought us to where we are today, because for all intents and purposes, we are all doing quite amazing.

And yes, even in the midst of all of this, I have managed to muster enough strength to forgive all those involved with our demise. I pray for them consistently, that they realize the error of their ways, and find a way to make things right, in their own lives, as to not put another single person thru something that horrific, again. I pray that they learn to be honest, trustworthy, respectable people that learn from that whole experience. I also pray, that not only myself, but my children, learn the warning signs of what it’s like to have a wolf in sheep’s clothing, knocking at the door.

Life throws us curve balls, but I think that’s the way it’s supposed to be, to break us down so we don’t get so hung up on all the superficial things that bombard our brains and make us lose focus of what’s really important.  I think, the only way to really get the most out of it is to go thru struggles, so we can build up our faith and re-center so we find ourselves. It’s up to us to use whatever we have to fight our way thru the darkness, to come thru the other side, with a knowledge and strength, some people will never get to know. It’s up to us, not to give up. It’s our choice to push on, or give in the towel, and let the darkness consume us.

I fully believe that some of us were meant to fight, to be an example of inspiration to others. While I would never wish our experience on others, I hope someone out there, takes my story and uses it to find their own courage within, and realizes, that no matter how dark the journey, there is always a bit of “shine” along the way.

Don’t give up. Your story isn’t over yet. All you have to do is turn the page.

Happy Halloween, my friends. Stay safe. Stay strong.

~Mama

Do I really need a bucket list?

I (as most people it seems), have a bucket list consisting of things I really want to do before I move on to the next world. But is it really necessary?

I loathe lists. Lists are easy to make, but difficult to muddle thru, even with something as fun as a “honey, don’t forget to do these things before you die” list. For some people, making lists and following them are super easy and help people feel more organized. I look at a list and I get totally overwhelmed. But I digress.

Here’s a few of the things I want to accomplish before I die:

• Learn several languages
• Study theology
• Own my own home
• Travel (duh) world wide, to really unusual places, like the Poles, and see the sun rise there
• Really, truly fall head over heels in love and have it stick
• Find God
• Be published in National Geographic
• Take a cruise
• Do something really meaningful for myself, not really sure what that means yet
• Knit something
• Learn origami
• Find my courage
• Tell all of my family, just once more, that I do love them, and wish them well.
• Finish my cookbook
• Write my story
• Meditate in Nepal
• Climb Mt. Everest (yes, I really want to do this)
• Meet new people and make new friends
• Do something meaningful that will make a difference in the world

Obviously I could go on and on, but this is just this small snippet of what I want for my life.

Lists remind me a lot of my Fitbit. I have a love / hate relationship with this damn thing. I feel horribly lazy and angry if I don’t meet my step goal for the day.  But when I think of that step number, I try to tell myself it’s a very attainable goal! Instead, it sends me straight into a panic and I become very overwhelmed. It’s such a big number, but when you break it down into pieces, it’s really not. But there it is, that number, staring me in the face. 10,000 steps. 5 long miles. Once I’ve hit that, I feel I’ve accomplished so much for that day. But then I think, shit, I have to do this all over again tomorrow??? Getting there is such a hard journey, so enter in the overwhelm, and basically lose my nerve and start to break down.  It’s the same feeling with lists.

Back to the bucket list. If I don’t do these things, have I really lived a life fulfilled, meaningful, and with purpose?  I mean, I have done so much already, It’s not like I haven’t lived out some of my dreams already: like from having children, grandchildren, having a gallery showing of my art, I was a dancer, I was a model, I’ve sung in choirs, I’ve played an instrument, I’ve been married, (not to anyone who was nice to me tho’), and so on. But there’s so much more I feel like I need to do, in order to live with meaning.

A list to me, is just a reminder of all the stuff I’ve accomplished, or all the stuff I haven’t done a damn thing to accomplish yet.  At the end of the day, will it really matter anyway? And if it doesn’t, what was the purpose of the list in the first place?

What are your thoughts? Is a bucket list a necessary reminder to accomplish your life’s goals? Do you have one? Do you feel like you’ve lived a live worth living? If not, what’s holding you back?

 

 

Abortion

While recently reading an article on the subject I found on Broadly,  about a woman who had an illegal abortion way back before Roe v. Wade, a faint memory came washing over me.  When I was between the ages of 9-14, I remember a book my grandmother had given me, on pro-life. I couldn’t tell you what the name of it was, but I can tell you, it included many short stories on the damaging affects of abortion; it even included a story from the fetuses point of view, what it was like to die.

This was my first real contact on the subject, because no one really discussed it. It was “taboo”, and it was only mentioned in hush tones, because only dirty and loose girls had them done.  All I was ever told was it was a very bad thing, and no one is supposed to talk about it.

The book was white, with dark letters, maybe blue, maybe black. It had no pictures. There was reference “links” in the back. There was a lot of biblical mentions in it too. (verses, what the church says on the subject matter, etc.).  I’m not really sure why my grandmother gave me this book, maybe it was because it was religious matter (she was a southern baptist, after all). For whatever reason, all I know is that she really wanted me to read it.  Maybe she thought it would do some good later on.

I kept the book hidden for a long time, because I didn’t want my mom to find it. I thought that even having a pro-life book, may have been cause for me to get in trouble.  I remember reading it late at night, when everyone was asleep, reading stories of women who chose not to do it, women who chose to do it. It was like reading something out of a Stephen King novel; a real horror story.

I remember it being worded in such a way that it was almost like the reader was being made to form an opinion of abortion being the worst possible thing you could do, and it would cause you to go to hell if you did it. The story of the fetus’ short life, was also worded in such a way that you were made to feel guilty, and a sense of anxiety and sadness, because there was nothing the reader could do by the end of it. It was probably one of the most memorable stories I’ve ever read. (memorable in that, it invoked such emotion, that I was pretty much scarred for life because of it).

Eventually that book disappeared. To this day, I don’t know if my mother found it and destroyed it.  For all I know it could have just gotten lost, or even just thrown away. I don’t know if I would ever want that book back. It was very graphic, and a very traumatic read.

My second encounter on the subject of abortion, happened when I became pregnant at 16. Many people wanted to tell me what to do with the life growing inside me. I was going to hell if I aborted it, but I was ruining my life if I didn’t. I would be labeled a “whore”, once people found out I was carrying. If I didn’t want to do the “right” thing and have an abortion, I should give “it” (not the baby, but “it”.) up for adoption.  In the end, I made the very best decision for ME and my child: I kept him. I dealt with much ridicule because of my choice, but I would do it all over again, all for that child.

The third time happened a few short years after I had my child. A very dear friend of mine became pregnant. She was very afraid of what her father might’ve said about her pregnancy, so she talked to her mother. Her mother advised her in a way, that possibly keeping this baby could potentially put a rift in the family, ruin her life, and so on. All the typical pressed-upon opinions of how her life would be so much better if she would abort it. In the end, she succumbed to what everyone told her, and ended the pregnancy. She cried for days and days over this, on my shoulder. Eventually, she didn’t talk about it anymore; I wonder if she thinks about it still.

Recently, a friend of one of my children became pregnant. She is 15. This little girl struggled with what the right thing to do would be. She told us that her mother said she didn’t have a choice but to get an abortion, and if she didn’t she would be kicked out. How much truth to this story, we don’t know. Ultimately, the girl chose to have the abortion. The girl showed us the photograph of the ultrasound. I wept deeply over this. I didn’t know that seeing that child in the womb, the last photograph of that baby, would really affect me on so many levels.

Side note – I found it very peculiar that the very next day, the girl went about her business like the baby never existed. She laughed, and smiled, she showed a lot of child-like innocence. It befuddled me, but all I could think is that either she really just wanted to forget it ever happened, or it never hit her, what she had just been thru.

So, am I pro-life, or pro-choice?  That’s a good question.

Over the years,  I’ve witness some of my friends go thru the process of abortion, and while I don’t understand why someone would want to put themselves thru (what I can only perceive to be), that type of pain and loss, I believe the choice they make is a personal one; one that I will never truly understand. The choice they make is one that they will have to own, for the rest of their life.

I can honestly say that, after much reflection, I believe I am neither PL or PC. I am pro-whatever is right for MY body. I do not have an opinion on what others do to their own bodies.  (of course, I would really just want to keep all the unwanted babies for myself and raise them up, but that’s another story for another day).

I don’t think it is right, nor wrong. I DO feel the choice to abort is something no one should condone another person for. In the end, they will know if what they did was the very best choice for them.

And that’s all I have to say about that.

Learning to Save Money with a Teenage Girl

Most of my friends have children that are babies, toddlers, or elementary school age. There are a few that have high schoolers, but it seems that they are newbies at the whole teenager thing.  They have not had the experience yet of the next step of children: becoming teenagers.  This has proved to be a  difficult thing for me, in that I have had to do most of my learning and commiserating with women who have no idea what I am talking about.  The few friends that actually do have teenagers about the same age as mine, don’t really understand the joys of parenting said teens on a more than tight budget.

My family consists of 4 children; 3 boys, 1 girl. All the boys have long since moved out on their own, to raise families, start careers, or become members of (no particular) branch of the military, (another part of the “firsts” for my circle of friends).  The only child left, is my (almost) 16 year old daughter. In one respect, I’m very grateful my boys were first, and all that’s left is the girl.  (I never really knew or understood just how much energy and effort it takes to raise girls.  By comparison, my boys were easier.  Sure, they had their own set of issues, but nothing compared to the girl).

So, backing up for a moment, when I had all four of them living at home, expenses were tight. Real tight. I had to really utilize a budget plan, and make things work with very little money. Dinners were made usually from scratch, because it was slightly cheaper (and healthier), than buying all sorts of pre-made junky stuff. (Not that we didn’t eat our fair share of of mac and cheese and hot dogs, top ramen, or pancakes, mind you).  We relied on food banks, and help from others. Christmases were generally provided by charities, families, and so on. I afforded only a small amount of cheap presents, while the “good stuff” came from others. (talk about feeling bad about a situation).  Still, we made the most of it. We had our traditions, (Christmas story readings, Christmas eve mass, pumpkin patches, egg hunts, etc., anything that cost very little or nothing at all). There was no child support. Of course, I did go out to the bar, but I rarely drank, instead had my drink of choice: cherry coke, with 5 (yes 5), cherries in them. (or, someone would buy me a drink).  I nursed the hell out of it. I just needed the time be out of the house and be an adult, not just a “Mom”.

There was not extra income; I could only really make time for 1 job while raising a family.  Like I said, I had no choice but to buckle down, just to live paycheck to paycheck.  And that’s what I did. I managed my money, to the best of my ability, making sure the bills were mostly paid on time, and we kept a roof over our head (for as long as possible).  At one point, we lost our home, But that is a story for another day.

Since the boys moved out, (the last one moved out in June of this year), it’s been interesting to say the least, on trying to figure out how to adhere to a budget. While I have a little more breathing room, I am still scraping by. Not really sure how to fix this, or why I’m still scraping. Then it dawned on me. I have a teenage girl.

I really took a look at this, and how we are spending money. More than half the time, we eat out. I will “splurge” and by things she wants, on a whim. The biggest expense as of late? Homecoming.  After I tallied up everything I paid for (excluding the dress and shoes, someone else bought the dress, and the shoes were from last year’s outfit). I still ended up spending over $500.00. (Dinner, nails, makeup, ticket, accessories, etc.).  This really bothered me, a lot. How the hell could I manage to spend that much money, on ONE function? I had it planned out; I needed to save money too, because her birthday is less than a month away, then the holidays are back to back, and then, I’m throwing my youngest a going-away party as he heads off to basic. So much for saving money.

As the winter months come rolling in, and all these expenses pile up, I’m sort of at a loss. My brain hurts from trying to figure out how to spend less, while teaching my daughter about money all at the same time. She gets it, (sort of), but still expects me to go full out for these events. (Unfortunately, she got an early glimpse of being spoiled early on, because being the only girl, she sort of became “token” and was showered with gifts and things early. My boys did not have that luxury. It was definitely not an all encompassed way of life for them, and it was very frustrating for me, to say the least, because now I have the monster that has been created, and I’m dealing with how to correct this before she gets out there in the real world).

Basically it boils down to this: I need to find a way to make more money, or learn to save it better (where did that discipline go??), and teach my darling daughter, that if you want nice things, you have to earn them, and not just expect them to fall into your lap. I’ve tried the allowance thing, but that doesn’t work too well, because she spends the majority of her time with her friends. (her thing is, “well I don’t make all these dishes, why should I have to wash them? I don’t make all this trash, why should I have to empty it? While I kinda get where she’s coming from with that, it’s frustrating because I don’t have a better come-back than, “Because I said so!”

I hope as these next few months play out, that I can figure out a way to manage my finances better, and make all these events happen, with minimal spending.  I subscribe to various newsletters that help explain these sorts of things, but it’s all about being held accountable for it. I have no one to do that for me, except myself, and like most people, I fall into a pattern of sheer laziness, simply because it’s easier than actually being disciplined and focused. (Come one, admit it. You know you do too).

Any ideas on how to make that happen? Any ideas on how to hold myself accountable, without giving in to the slothiness of instant gratification?