The Final Months…

Teenagers. We were all one at some point. We were all probably pretty snarky to our parents, and the majority of us probably thought we knew it all and could take on the world.

As a parent, no one tells you just how difficult the final few months are; those last few months before they turn 18, when they are just chomping at the bit to leave the nest and start their lives. The home stretch just seems to drag on forever, and then, before you’ve realized it, 18th birthday has happened, and bam! They are running out the door before the candles on the birthday cake are out.

I currently have one teenager left in my household. She’s the final one of my underage kids. It’s been a very long journey; if you’ve followed my blog, you’ll know that my life has pretty much consists of raising kids, since I was 16.  Even before I had kids, I was the neighborhood / church babysitter. So basically, my whole life has revolved around children. I don’t mind it so much, but now I’m at a crossroads. I’m getting ready to be a fulltime “free” mama. This opens so many opportunities up for me, but that’s a blog for another day.

My last teenager as of late, has been really trying my patience. I love her dearly, but honestly, she’s getting to the point where I just don’t want her around right now. Don’t get me twisted, readers. I won’t give up on her, I won’t throw her out on her keyster. She’s a smart girl, but she is dumb in life. She makes thought-out choices in most situations, but her attitude of “I know best”, is getting the best of me. Not to mention, she’s said so many hurtful things within the last couple of months, it’s broken my heart. I know, I know. All kids do this. It’s perfectly normal. (Hell, I once was a heathen and completely disrespectful to my own mother).  But, as of late, she’s getting a little more bold with her mouth, I’ll spare you the gruesome details of that little slice. Grounding her just won’t work now, she’s too close to the end. So, let’s just say that I am thankful she has friends she can hang out with, and other parents to deal with her; it gives me a break and I KNOW she is better behaved when she’s out then when she’s at home. Repeat after me: This. Is. Normal.

She’s always saying how much she hates living at home, because she feels stranded (we kind of live out in the sticks, so I get it). She’s always talking about moving in with her friends. (Good luck with that, kiddo).  Once a parent observes her snarky ways, they’ll quickly give her the boot too. Granted, she may not be that way with the others, but you never know. Once the “new’ wears off, her attitude and unwillingness to help out on the parent’s terms, they’ll quickly give her the boot.

She is begging for a set of wheels, but she’s got no job, and I am just not in a place where I can afford to pay for a 2nd vehicle, let alone insurance. She knows that if she wants a car, she’ll have to work for it.  She’s failing right now in that department. I get that too; she wants to be a kid, and hang out with her friends, hiking, swimming, etc. She’s basically stuck between kid-dom, and adulthood.

What she doesn’t realize, is that when she’s out the door, I stop paying for all of her things; makeup, eyelashes, birth control, phone, clothes, food, etc. I probably won’t stop paying for her phone, but I will severely limit what she has access to. (meaning, she’ll get the joys of talk and text ONLY, but no snapchat, IG, or any other form of SM, because she won’t have access to unlimited data anymore).  I’ll still probably pay for her birth control, because she’s SO not ready for a kid, and admits that. Still, I’ll “threaten” her with it. (poor parenting? Maybe. But what would you do??)

I have high hopes for her, but she’s so unfocused right now; I feel like she will fall, and fall hard. I understand it’s part of the growing up process, but that doesn’t mean I’m not scared or worried for her. I can’t help that. Not only is she my last, but she’s my only girl. I don’t want anything to happen to her, the way things happened to me. I was stupid, I admit it. However, I was a product of my surroundings, and didn’t know better, not entirely anyway.  I was also a mom by 18, and I had way more responsibility than I knew what to do with, and had to make some pretty serious choices that would not only effect me, but my son as well. This is something I hope she doesn’t have to deal with at such a young age. (Raising babies as a teenager is harrrrrrrd). 

I can only hope I’ve done right by her, and pray that she can make it in this crazy, mixed up, world.  My job was to raise her into a strong, independent, fierce, smart young woman. She is all those things, but she hasn’t even begun to “live” yet. I never claimed to be a perfect parent, in fact, I probably had more failures than accomplishments. But I would say about 98% of the time, my kids came first. I made mistakes, lots of them. But I’ll never give up on these blessings I was given, no matter how hard they push me. God gave me a job to raise these children, and see them into adulthood. Some of them have had it harder than others, but they all turned out amazing. And as much as she is pissing me off right now, I feel she’s destined for greatness.

In the meantime, four months and counting. I’m hoping they don’t just drag on. I’m hoping they are easy. I’m hoping it’s a pleasant time for all of us. I’m hoping I can talk some sense into that little head of hers, and hoping that she’s got the gumption for understanding that, if you wanna act like a grownup, I’m gonna treat you like a grownup. But she’s damn sure gonna treat me with respect in the process, or she’s going to get a crash course in life, real quick.

I’d pray for strength, but experience tells me that the more I pray for strength, the more “obstacles” are put in place to “teach” me how to be strong.  I am just praying for her to be relaxed, open-minded, focused, loving, and respectful to all of us.

Until next time, dear readers…

~Mama

A Word About Hospitals

I’ve been pretty lucky (to say the least), when it comes to spending time in a hospital bed. I have had only a few overnight stays, mainly due to childbirth.  I have had a few outpatient procedures that kept me from spending more than a day in recovery.

Sadly however, I have spent more than enough time within the confines of these buildings, due to others illnesses such as cancer, or in the case of my brother, severe colitis. (there is a specific name for what he deals with, and it’s really technical, but unfortunately I can’t remember what its called).

As he lay slumbering in the midst of professional caregivers and sterility, I feel compelled to write today.

The room service lady comes by every few hours with “ensure” in hand. Her smile greets us warmly as she places the protein drink next to the three others he hasn’t touched. He wakes briefly, and makes a silly comment about the movie playing on the TV overhead, as he readjusts his pillow and reaches for his phone to check his messages.

A bit later, the nurse comes in and gets vitals, and offers to administer an opium tincture to relieve the pain and nausea. She is playful and he refers to her as his “favourite nurse”.

As he drifts back to sleep for a short nap, the beep from the machine monitoring his health breaks through the silent air. It proves to be a bit vexing after a while, and eventually the nurse makes her way in to makes it stop.  I can’t even imagine what its like as the beep continues well into the wee hours of the night.

Soon enough, he awakes for a “constitutional”, and he seems a bit more alert.  He even feels well enough for a short walk around the floor, two laps is all he can muster before he’s tuckered out and ready for another nap.

In between moments of quiet, there are the defining moments of chaos; from the orderly who brings him fresh scrubs and changes his bed linens, to the plumbers fixing his sink. Brother is polite, but I can see on his face that he’s exhausted and just wants to rest.

I don’t consider him to be a “patient” of sorts, but rather still just a man who has hopes and dreams of what he wants in his future. We’ve talked about some of these. I imagine how frustrating it must be to be confined to his home, except for the occasions he’s moved to the hospital for monitoring.  He calls it his “mini vacation”. 

While my first reaction is to feel pity for him, or for any other patient in here, I don’t. I feel, empathy. I feel, hope. I feel as if those here, will get well. I know some won’t. I refuse to believe he’s here to die. I feel, just as a car would be in the shop for maintenance, he is doing the same.

When I spent many days here in the past as a support for my Dad who was fighting a hard battle against colon cancer, I had a different attitude. Back then, hospitals felt hopeless, where people came to die, not get well. When my Dad passed away, I became angry that life just wasn’t in the cards for him.  I was angry at the doctors for not doing something more to “save” him. Ironically, he wasn’t even at the hospital, but at home when he died.

As I sit here, I think about those times I spent with my Dad, and these moments I spend now, with my Brother.  We are approaching the 7 year anniversary of my Dad’s passing, (July 30th, actually), and these weeks of July are the very same weeks I spent with my Dad, here, ironically a few doors down from where my Brother is currently staying. I was also unemployed at that time, as I am right now. There are too many similarities about this situation that are unnerving, and I pray every day, that my Brother doesn’t pass on here, not any time soon.  We have only recently reconciled our relationship (something I never expected to happen), and we have a LOT of missed years to catch up on.

Hospitals can be a scary place, (and some people are terrified of being here), but rest assured, they are filled with very intelligent and caring people.  I can’t imagine how many prayers have been said in the very corners of this building, and how much life was brought forth, as well as how many ended here.

Be well, readers. Be well. Until next time,

~Mama

What Being Unemployed is Teaching Me…

As being someone who is recently unemployed, let me share with you a few lessons I’m learning along the way:

• There will be a LOT of unsolicited advice from those who are currently employed.
• You WILL get a lot of looks and comments from people who think they know or even, understand your situation.
• There are a TON of hoops you have to jump through, just to get noticed, or even apply for some sort of assistance, once you’ve eaten through all of your savings.
• Depression is a total bitch, and gets worse by the minute if you even stop long enough to think about the “what-ifs”, if you don’t gain meaningful employment, and soon.
• On a positive note, your house could potentially be….immaculate. (If you’re anything like me, dear readers, being stuck in the house all day, even after you’ve beaten on every door, and sent out 30 resumes and made just as many follow up phone calls, you tend to get a little stir crazy, and start organizing everything from kitchen cupboards, to living room furniture. Sweeping and mopping, a chore that was once a week or even every two weeks *gasp!* now becomes a daily occurrence.
• You start to experience your neighbors daily little nuances, like the all day trash burning. (Seriously, my lungs can’t handle it! and WHY would they put the windows so they open facing the fire pit, instead of against it? All that does is trap the smoke inside my house. So you get the idea that the only way to get around it, is to close up every window, and sweat (because it IS summer), only to realize that all that does is make the house stink even more, because the stench inevitably still finds a way in).
• You become hyper-aware of everything that is coming due…and try your damndest to figure out how to stave off the collectors, or pleading with the companies to keep your lights on.
• You begin to daydream about what you COULD be, if you had the money and the time to go to school. (A writer or journalist. A photographer. A party planner. An architect. Someone who works for places that makes a HUGE difference in the world around them).
• You start to think that maybe, juuuust maybe, you’re asking too much of a salary (even though you know damn good and well that the salary you had, is just enough to get by)
• You start thinking of creative ways to earn money until you find that career (Uber driver, donating plasma, newspaper boy, even selling off your possessions).
• You find creative ways to save money; for instance: taking only 2 or 3 reusable grocery sacks to the market, and only buying the necessary things that will fill it. (milk. bread. that all-important migraine medicine…)
• Your self-esteem takes a downward spiral because with each passing day you don’t receive a call-back or an interview, you think you’re just not worthy, smart enough, or maybe too old to be considered a great addition to a new team.
• You do your best to smile in front of others and avoid questions like, “how’s work going?” (Because you know that if you mention you’re without a job, they are looking at you with such pity, that it makes you feel so embarrassed and ashamed).
• When people ask, “hey how are you?” You’re first response is, “well, that’s a loaded question”.
• Praying (at least for me anyway), becomes a much more regular occurrence, even more than before. I find myself constantly thanking God for my life, and everything in it. The good, the bad, and everything in between. I ask for guidance. I ask for support. I ask for the constant migraine to go away long enough to be able to think with a clear head.

Yes, being unemployed sucks. No matter how you look at it. I look at others, especially now, with such envy. Look at how much they’ve accomplished. Look at those lavish vacations they are taking. You got a new car? That’s great! You’re buying a house? Man, are YOU lucky!

It all goes right back to, how the hell did I manage to live a life that is just mediocre? Oh, that’s right. I decided to have kids. I got accepted to go to college on three separate occasions. I gave that up to be a “mostly” present parent. With that, comes giving up a better future, career wise. It means, I only have my experience to rely on and the recommendation of others.  It means, I have to work harder NOW to succeed, if I’m ever going to. Sure I could go now, but that means I have to work a menial job and find more hours in the day that I just physically don’t have to do so. Sure it’s a temporary thing, like 4 years at most, but the payoff is better, right? Call me lazy, call me stubborn. I call it severe exhaustion.  The mind is willing, the body is not.

But, At least I have my kids to show for my life, right? That’s something positive? They really ARE great kids, even WITH their flaws. They are beautiful and wonderful, even if that doesn’t pay the bills, at least I know I raised ’em right, on matter how much grief I got from others on my methods.

The question I get a lot is, “If you had the opportunity to live your life differently, would you? What would you change?” While I can’t change the family I was raised up in, I probably would have taken up the option to move in with my father, instead of staying with my mother. She tried, hard, God love her, she tried. But she was very distracted. I didn’t feel protected. I didn’t always feel loved. But, I had great friends. I grew up in a great church. High School sucked, and I never fit in. I was looked down upon as a statistic because no one knew my story. I probably would have never had the opportunity to visit my grandmother in VA every summer until I was 16.

I probably wouldn’t have gotten molested as a child, or raped at 16, or be a teen mom to a mother of 2, by the time I was 19.  I wouldn’t have been blamed for the break up of my mother’s 2nd marriage. I never would have met my first (abusive) husband, or lost a baby. I never would have travelled up and down the east coast. But…I would have had a stable family growing up. I may have been closer to my siblings, than I am now. I would have gone to college. I would have driven at a younger age. I wouldn’t have turned tricks and I certainly wouldn’t have been homeless, or forced to live in the middle of nowhere (literally, the closest town was 15-20 miles, and it was a one-stoplight town with no grocer or eatery, just a post office and a few buildings).  I would certainly be a lot better off than I am right now.

I realize that, while things would be way different if I had done things differently, my life would not have affected those around me either.  I wouldn’t have been there for my brother when he needed me to be. I wouldn’t have been there for Cat, as she experienced some of her trauma. I wouldn’t have had the kids I have now. I wouldn’t have made great friends.

My life feels like a total train wreck so often, I need to remind myself, that my life really has touched others, in ways I’ll never know.  I often forget that there IS a purpose for me, I just haven’t figured out what that purpose is….yet.  I can’t see the whole picture, but I feel like there just has to be something good coming…eventually.

So, I ask, as I always seem to do, please keep me in your prayers and send good thoughts and positive vibes my way.  I’m spending wayyy too much time in my head, and really need to be able to focus on getting my life straight.

Until next time, readers….

~Mama

 

Forced to Reflect

It seems like every so often, I get a bee in my bonnet (as the saying goes), and I’m compelled to write.  For me, writing is a cathartic act, and one of futility. It seems that most of my inspiration comes spewing forth in the midst of crisis, as is the case with this particular blog post.  Today I write this, in the hopes that it gives me some relief, and a moment of clarity; just enough so that I can move forward and make positive changes.  Consider this as my moment of purging my mental sickness, and the writing is my prescription to emotional well-being.

Backstory: I swore in 2017 that 2018 was going to be my year. Let me say that again: MY. YEAR. And as it happens, it started out, incredibly. I had a beautiful man, a real and true gentleman.  I had accepted a position at an up and coming deconstruction firm. I finally bought myself a well-deserved, economical and updated vehicle. I even started the long-awaited divorce proceedings.  Yes, 2018 was really shaping up to be the best year I’ve had in a long time.

Things were coming along nicely; we celebrated my youngest grandchild’s first birthday, and my Marine came home for a visit. I was able to go on a trip to Utah, to celebrate my bestie’s 40th birthday. My guy whisked me away for a lovely weekend in the islands. We  had gone to several plays and shows. I was able to “afford” living, meaning I was able to pay my bills on time, and even had a little money left over to save.  I was finally feeling like I was able to breathe. After 40-something years of being stressed out, things felt…right.

Then, one by one, things started falling apart. That great guy? He left me. No real reason to it, he just decided he wasn’t interested anymore. That great job? They let me go. (It was one of those, “last one in, first one out” situations. They couldn’t afford to pay me what I was worth, so they gave me the boot).

My old boss begged me to come back to work for him. When we spoke about it, he refused to pay me what I was asking, even though he just lost an employee. (Really, all I was asking for was a slight increase, to make what he would have been paying her, for that position. He refused and said I could make it up in commission, but that’s not a guaranteed income, and I couldn’t rely on that).

I found temporary employment for a large conglomerate who shall remain nameless, but as I quickly found out, they refused to pay me a better wage, took away my weekends, informed me that there would be no reprieve for the holiday AND OT was mandatory. This is not the type of schedule I can work, due to family obligations, and my health situation.

Let me not forget to mention that while I’m over here struggling to find employment, my son/daughter, has to have surgery for an illness that was on-going, but didn’t rear it’s head until now. Combine that with his baby mama/life partner, being in and out of the hospital for another cyclical vomiting episode that leaves her weak and dehydrated, they have no one to care for my granddaughters.  At least I can help them with that…for now. Since they are without a vehicle, I am able to get them back and forth to the doctor, and take the girls a little more while they recover.

During all of this, about the only thing that went right was my divorce, even with a slight hiccup in the courtroom (their computer system crashed), I was finally granted freedom from the “spawn of satan”.

So, here we are today.  Jobless. I’ve applied for countless positions. But, I’ve been made to feel bad by someone very close to me, who seems to lack a filter when it comes to speaking their mind. Granted, this person was extremely apologetic, and understood the error of her ways, but her words resonated with me for a long time. I feel very ashamed that I’m back here, with no way to support my family. I feel like I’ve let them all down.

I hear the voices of the past in my ears, judging me as they have before.  It physically hurts to think about it as I uncontrollably replay it, over and over. PTSD is a total bitch. Her sisters, anxiety and depression are even worse.  The hole I’m in doesn’t feel good at all, no matter how many times people tell me, “don’t worry, it’ll be okay”.  The last people to tell me that, screwed me over so bad, that it pushed me to the edge of darkness, the likes of which I’ve never seen before, and hope to never see again.

So, I fight. I push. I cry. But, I don’t give up. I have to find employment, somewhere, and soon. I really want to go to school, but I don’t have four years to spend on it. I don’t have the energy to work and go to school. I can only rely on the experience I have, and hope that’s enough for employers to really give me an opportunity to flourish. If I could go to school, I would study languages, theology, art history, and ASL.

I think back to when I was accepted to not one, but three different colleges for their art program. I think about the circumstances that prevented me from accepting those offers, from my mother being sick and in the hospital for three months or so, and no one to care for my siblings, to being a single mom and not able to attend college because I had four small children to care for (working full time, having a large family, AND going to school just was too big a task to take on alone).

I have worked most of my life.  I have managed to make ends meet, one way or another. Even when we were homeless for six months, I didn’t give up. I couldn’t. Everything I ever did, I did it for my children. And here I am, once more, doing things for my family. I still have one minor child at home, (for at least 6 months). I am struggling. Again. This brings me to my question…

Why do some people seemingly have better luck, than others?

Are they more or better prepared? Are they afforded certain luxuries and perhaps, more privy to better info than say those who were never told or shown?

What makes it so some people fight their whole lives to get on top, only to barely make a dent in the ceiling, while others are able to glide right up there and see above the crowds?

Am I not fighting hard enough? Am I not worthy of great things? Or…did I just draw the short straw?

I hate to use the word envy and luck, because it sounds so sinful and prideful. But, in some cases, I am envious of others “luck”.  Case in point, I know several felons who spent 20 or more years in prison. Recently (and some not so recent), their term came to an end. Once they were out, they were given opportunities to succeed. And those men? They aren’t just surviving, they are thriving. One owns a local business, and is close to the Mayor of our town. The other is getting ready to buy his own home and recently started his own business. Sure, they have to follow a little more rules, and check in with PO’s and jump through some additional hoops. I’m sure it’s not easy, but it’s got to be easier than what I’m dealing with. They even have women that stand by them!

Hell, even my own sister, who basically caused my mother to lose her house that she worked so hard to get, who gave up 3 of her 5 kids, who is married, and has a great life (at least, she perceives it this way), is seemingly way more successful than I am. She’s been forgiven, by the family. Yet, They won’t forgive me, because I won’t apologize for my life, or my “wrong-doings” that had zero effect on their lives. The prodigal daughter returned, and because I made a choice to protect MY child, I’ve been shunned, despite all my efforts to try to win their approvals. This seriously boggles my mind.

I begin to question it all; what makes that felon or my sister, any more deserving than I? Why do they get handed a golden ticket? Why do they get an opportunity to prove themselves, but someone on the outside, who’s spent more years struggling than succeeding, any more undeserving of those same opportunities?  Do I have to commit a major crime or ruin a family, just to get them too?

They say, “Keep your head down, work hard. Have faith, take risks. Learn all you can and you’ll have great rewards in the end”. So, I do that. I keep my faith. I work hard. Damn hard.  What do I have to show for it? A big family. No money, and I’m on the verge of possibly losing it all (for a second time), but I have a big family. I have my kids. My grandkids. I have a decent circle of friends. But those friends all have the material things needed to survive. A home. A car. Savings. No real worries about losing any of it.

So…what am I doing wrong??  I know I’m not alone in this struggle, there are probably thousands, if not millions of people like me, who struggle daily, if not more than me. There is no fairness in life, and it’s total bullshit that things can’t be easier, for everyone.

Fact is, I am a twice-divorced, single mother of 4, who’s been raising babies since I was 16 years of age. I have been working for a long time, and I’m falling down the rabbit hole again. I’ve no continuing education, no long term relationship, and for what it’s worth, I’m feeling just…ordinary. I don’t have any stand-out qualities. I feel like a total failure. I’ve done right enough by my kids, but in all other aspects, what have I done, to make a mark on this earth? Not a damn thing.

In closing, I’m going to keep doing me. Keep pushing forward. I’ll keep the faith and hope and continue to pray fervently, that something amazing is going to happen in my life, something is going to give, and things will come to a head, and will make it so I won’t have to struggle so much. In the meantime, I’ll keep loving on my babies, and their babies too. I’ll do my best to be a positive light for them. It’s all I got.

Until next time….

~Mama

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

 

Dear Men / Women who are currently in a relationship

Lately it seems like the decks are being cleared for me, in preparation for better things to come. Let me give you a couple of examples:

• I’ve gotten my divorce papers signed off, all I have to do now is file them and I’ll officially be alone again, well at least on paper. We all know I am in real life.
• A recent potential Boaz, got cold feet and basically destroyed a really good future because “he wasn’t ready”. Okay fine, I get that, but dude, say that before we get all hot and heavy.
• Another nice fella who was showing interest in a possible relationship, recently let it slip that he was married. He thanked her publicly on social media for tickets she bought him for V-day, but we have been chatting off and on since November, but he failed to mention he is married….for NINE years.
• Finally, another fella whom I’ve been talking to, for two years, recently took me out to dinner, and vowed to spend more time with me. However, his SO recently posted that they are together in a relationship, on social media, tagging him in this post. He too, failed to mention that he was involved with someone.

With these men, It’s obvious I’ve come across a few hiccups. Not one of them, except the PB, has said they wanted a serious relationship with me, all were pretty casual conversations, non-sexual, however it was implied we were headed that way eventually. I had not made up my mind on which one I wanted, except with the PB, and all the others I stopped all sexual content, and advised them that it was unwanted.

Now, to all of you lovely people who are currently involved, I implore you, please do NOT involve some unsuspecting person who is unattached (or even if they are attached), into your situation, just because you want to inject some excitement in your otherwise boring life. As a single gal, let me tell you what I’m feeling about these things:

• It’s not fair to us to leave out important details, (like you’re involved with someone, or you’re just looking for a quick bang sesh), who are working diligently on finding our own life partner. Please work on your own relationship, and don’t follow suit of reality TV.
• When you meet someone new and interesting, please have enough respect for your SO to mention the fact that you’re involved, like from the very beginning! By doing this, you are setting it up so that you are holding yourself accountable for the things you’re saying and doing, and if the person you’re talking to has integrity, they will respect your situation and hopefully, not cross those boundaries.
• If you’re on the skids with your SO, please mention this too. We single people realize (well most of us, anyway), that you require time to heal and move on from the past. If you’re not ready for a new relationship, say so. Hiding this is setting us up for failure. I consider this already cheating on us.
• If you are looking for companionship, (read, a serious friendship, without emotional ties that lead to sex), then say that. If you’re just looking for someone to be the filler until the right person comes along, please let us know. Some people might be okay with that, but me personally? Not so much. My goal with dating is to find my happiness. Not to be the person that cleans up after the last one while you’re getting ready to bounce out on me.
• One word: Karma. You screw up your relationship just because you’re letting your nether-regions do the leading, Karma will ultimately find you and bite you in the ass.
• Please don’t shamelessly flirt with someone when you’re taken, unless it’s with your SO. People are always complaining that their relationship has fizzled and they don’t know why. Duh! It’s because you’re setting up a relationship with others, whether through social media or in person. It may seem harmless, but I can tell you that most of the time, this backfires. Put down your phones! Pay attention to your SO. Your life will be so much better in the end.

As for me clearing the decks, I have. I believe it is because my heart calls me to Morocco. All of these potentials that were lined up, are no longer available, but my heart has been calling me there for a while now. Does he have an SO? He insists that he does not. We will know eventually. He seems to be very straight-forward with his wants and needs, and swears he’s got no wife or girlfriend. I pray this is the truth and will continue to give him the benefit of the doubt.

This Valentine’s day, show your SO that special love. Show them what made you fall in love with them in the first place. Carry that with you throughout the year, not just on special occasions. And if you’re single like me, love yourself. Just Love the hell out of you. Remember, you’re SO worth it. Make sure YOU feel this, every single day.

Love and hugs, darlings. Happy Day of Love. ❤

~Mama

The B.I.G. Party

On June 19th, 2010, I married the spawn of satan, literally. I married a man whom I thought would take care of me and my children, forever and ever, amen. I walked, lovingly down the aisle, with my father by my side, to meet him at the alter under the blue tarp. Yes, we had a real, red-neck, backyard wedding.  In the mud. Guests sat on stumps of freshly cut trees, the flowers all came from Pike Place Market in Seattle. We made all the food, and of course, ran out. We had plenty of booze tho, as per his request.

We were happy, for about a minute. Then, as it turns out, I was wrong about my happily ever after. He had been cheating on me the whole time, had no interest in playing a parental role to the children, nor did he have any desire to get a job to help support us. (I was freshly let go from my 2 year stint at a corporate office for an assisted living company, which shall remain nameless). We ended up evicted from my apartment, which I loved and lived in for over 8 years, and moved way up to the top of a mountain, in the middle of nowhere.

On December 2nd, 2010 the end came, while expected, it was quite sudden.  He had not been home for two days, and he left me and the children stranded.  When he finally arrived that fateful Thursday morning, my daughter ended up being late for school because it was well after 10am before he arrived.

When we opened the van, it was littered with empty condom wrappers, cigarette butts, empty bottles of booze and the stench of pot lingered heavily in the air. I was livid, to say the least. I kicked out as much as I could, and drove the 10 miles into town to deliver my child to her designated place of education.

On the way home, I called his best friend and told him to come get him. He needed to have some time to sort out whether or not he actually wanted to be married in general, let alone to me. When I got home and told him that he needed some time away, he became quite belligerent & violent. This went on for a good hour or so, before his friend finally arrived to take him away. I was left heartbroken, confused and bruised.  My neighbor helped me get a restraining order and I filed a police report against him.  I have not seen him since, with the few short exceptions in passing at random places.

So here we are, 6.5 years later. I’ve lamented over this situation for a really long time. I just knew he wouldn’t make things easy for me, because that’s just the kind of person he is: vindictive. Selfish. Likes to play stupid games to show he’s tougher. He swore up and down that he would never divorce me, because A – he didn’t want a divorce hanging over his head, and B – Because I wanted the divorce, he didn’t want to give it to me, just to make things difficult for me. I’ve been dealing with a ton of PSTD from his abuse, but once I’ve found out about his willingness to cooperate, [ptsd] has gone quiet. Not to say that I don’t have moments of freak-out, but it’s not as bad right now.

I recently found out husband met a woman, with whom he’s been with for over a year now. They are moving to the east coast. I planned on waiting until after I was able to confirm his move, to begin the process, (to make it easier on me, but difficult for him to fight me on it, because of the massive distance between us). Somehow, his sister got wind of the situation, and managed to talk him into signing off on the divorce paperwork before he moved. He agreed as long as I figured out a way to get them to him before the end of January.

My dear friend is helping me with all of this. She printed the forms and sent them to me. I filled them in and sent them back so that she could give the forms to his sister, who will deliver them to husband to sign. Once signed, we will take them to the judge, and if all goes well, I will be finally be able to end this horrible chapter of my life.

This brings me to the title of this blog post: the B.I.G. party. (BIG = bastard is gone).  Once the divorce is finalized, I have decided to commemorate this momentous occasion by having a grand party. I plan on doing a trash the dress photo session,  then burning that bitch in effigy. I’m going to invite a whole bunch of my beautiful friends to join me, and they can even pin the names of their evil exes to the dress so they can get some pleasure of watching their names go up in flames too.

This will be quite the celebration, and it will be a time to really open up and be free from all the bullshit I’ve had to endure over the last few years. All the painful memories, all the wounds, physical and emotional.  I want to let the universe know that I am READY for all the good things that are waiting for me, once the past has been locked away.

Now, I’ve heard some people say this isn’t something that should be celebrated. I tend to disagree with that, because when a person has gone through so much turmoil, so much anguish, commemorating the event with a party to say good bye is probably one of the most healthiest things you could possibly do, providing it’s not a drug / alcohol-fueled rager.

Have any of you been to one of these types of events?  What is your take on the idea?

As the time gets closer, I will share details of this party, photos, ideas, thoughts, etc. I want my readers to know that it’s okay to celebrate the opening of new opportunities is something wonderful and deserves to be recognized.

Blessings and love to you, my darlings!

~Mama

 

Thieves…

Once upon a time, a very dear friend of mine went away for the weekend with her SO. Upon leaving, she put her friend in charge of watching over her home, her children, her animals, etc.

My friend had a wonderful time away, and expected to return to her home, just as she had left it, with everything intact. A day goes by, and she realizes, that a rather significantly large amount of money has gone missing. This money was being saved to make a purchase that would ultimately in the end, assist her SO with his day to day activities.

After tearing up their home, they were unable to locate said funds. Upon review of the situation, the person she entrusted responsibility with over her family, home and animals, became the #1 prime suspect. Upon further review, it was realized that there were some “stories” being told about who was at my friends house during her time away. (Perhaps an innocent oversight, or something more devious?)

At this point, they are unable to recoup the loss, and are having to start all over from scratch. Regardless of the frustration and anger she’s experiencing, my friend is unable to vehemently accuse this person of the missing funds, as she has no solid evidence. (Even though all the signs point directly to her).

This brings me to think about my own actions.  It’s not to say that I haven’t ever stolen anything before and you’d be lying too if you were to say you’ve never stolen anything either. I’ve put my hand in a cookie jar when I was a kid, I’ve swiped a buck or two from my mother’s purse. I’ve stolen time from work, little things like pens or a few sheets of paper. (who hasn’t, really).  Hell, I’ve even stolen candy from my kids when they weren’t looking. But I haven’t stolen anything from someone that could make or break thier living / working situation. It’s just wrong, and invokes all sorts of bad karma. No matter how broke I ever was, I’ve never been able to do that much wrong and it’s cryin’ shame that someone has done it to one of my dearest friends.

The question that remains is, how are these examples any different than stealing a large sum of money from someone else? The fact is, it’s really not that much different, if you look at the act itself; despite it being on a much smaller scale. sticky hands are sticky hands, whether cookies or cars, it doesn’t matter. Stealing is wrong. Period.

While you can’t necessarily make up for lost cookies, or those couple of bucks that were swiped from mom’s pocketbook, you can say sorry and move forward and make it right in other ways. Teaching your own children is a great place to start; teaching that thievery is bad, and lying about it to cover it up (or even hiding it), is much, much worse. Setting a good example and not being a totally greedy hog is another. If you see something that doesn’t belong to you, turn it in to someone who can help you get it back to the right person! Don’t just pocket it and walk away. Someone is always watching. Finally, practicing the art of giving is probably the best way yet to keep the temptation of greed at bay. The more you give, the better it makes you feel, at least….in my experience anyway.

So….what would you do if this was your situation? Would you confront and then interrogate the accused, or would you not bring it up at all? If said accused admitted the wrong-doing, would you be more apt to forgive, or would you lose your shit and let them have it with both barrels? Would you end the friendship, or would you try to work it out?

These questions and more have been on my mind as I watch my DF go through this scenario. I am angry, right by her side. I’m feeling just as betrayed, because I would LOVE to confront this person and make em squeal. I guess I’m projecting though, probably because I’ve been in similar situations and know what it’s like to have your whole world turned upside down, all because someone has a notion to do wrong, and couldn’t own up to it.

At the end of the day, I hope that this person does own up to what they have done, and will have the decency to make things right with my DF. And I hope that a valuable life lesson has been learned, by all involved, and all who witness as this situation plays out.

Blessings to you, darlings.

~Mama

New Project?

While sitting in church yesterday, there was a mention made about the St. James bible. Ever hear of it? Yeah. Me either.  So, I delved into it a little further and found that it was a project that was started by a guy who wanted to do a handmade bible, pictures and all. (and since I’m no good at giving specifics, or making sure it’s accurate, click this link). Anyway, the pictures of this thing are absolutely beautiful.  I think I heard something about the cost of one being like $145,000.00 So crazy to think something like that would be so expensive, but then again, the amount of time and detail it took to create, is probably worth the expense. But I wouldn’t know.

Anyway, this bible got me thinking, how many times have I wanted to have a visual when it comes to the stories? Sure I could look it up, there’s tons of them all over the internet and in childrens bibles. But, I got a notion in my head that hey! I’ve done some painting, more abstract than anything, but enough that it shows emotion. (If you’re interested, here’s a series I did):

Transcendence I

Transcendence II

Transcendence III

Anyway, I wondered if I could let that creativity flow again, thru abstract painting and zentangle. I adore doing zen’s and think it would be quite an interesting – albeit long – project.

How about you? Do you ever get a wild hair growin’ that makes you just want to create (un)organized chaos? Not that the bible is chaotic, per say, but you know what I mean? Just go crazy and let the passion flow? Yeah. That’s where i’m at right now. I’m not sure how far I’ll get, but I’m going to give it a go and see what happens. A day of being creative is better than not being stagnant.

Until next time, darlings.

~Mama

Day 4 in 2017

A wish to all my family and friends:

My wish for you, in this brand new year of 2017, that no matter where you are in your journey of life, that this year presents less obstacles, a smoother path, and more blessings than you can ever imagine.

My wish for you is that, no matter what difficulties you have been enduring today, that it finally comes to a
good ending for you, so that it can make way for a brighter tomorrow.

My wish for you is that, no matter who has hurt you, who has abandoned you, who has had a negative impact on your life, that amends will be made, so that the hurt can be forgiven and relationships can begin to heal. Life is a precious gift, that shouldn’t be squandered. When your time is up, it’s up. Even if you can’t bring yourself to face these persons, take time to forgive them, and let go of the pain that was thrust upon you. Never forget the lessons you’ve learned, but take it a step further and forgive. If it was you that created pain, seek out that forgiveness.

My wish for you is that, if things are going well for you, that they continue to do so, and you recognize these blessings, and find a way to pay it forward. There’s too much hate and anger happening all around us, and maybe spreading a little more love in the world, even if it’s just a hug, will create a chain reaction and reach to all the corners of the globe and life for everyone will be just a little bit better.

My wish for you is that, you remember just how much you are loved, cherished & cared for.

Here is to a new beginning, and a great year. Make it wonderful.

~Mama

Random Thoughts

I was going to try to write a blog about each individual, profound (to me), thought I had, but then I decided against it, simply because there are not enough hours in a day, and well half my day is spent at work, the other half taking care of my family. My blog would turn into more of a book that would take probably decades to write. So, I present to you, the most random thoughts floating around inside my empty brain as of late.

• With all the deaths this year of not only our beloved celebrities, (George Michael, ZaZa Gabor, Alan Thicke, David, Bowie, Prince, to name a few), and the seemingly increased violence at home and abroad (between the riots over water, elected presidents, and oil pipelines here in the states, and the devastation in countries like Aleppo), did we ever stop to think that maybe God is trying to tell us something? Maybe we should knock off our stupidity and start focusing on sharing love, compassion, empathy and comfort of those around us, instead of self-gratification.
• Have we given thanks for all our blessings lately? The gift of life, the gift of family, the gift of love. Even things that we take for granted daily, that others don’t have, life food, shelter, clean water, electricity.
• When the children are all grown up, how does a mother know when her job is done?
• Everyone is getting ready to post their resolutions for the new year. I hate to think that people are focusing on things that’ll never keep steady, like the old, “I’m going to lose 50 pounds by Valentines day”,  or “I’m going to eat healthier, work out more, give up some vice that I’ll never really have the patience to really give up for more than a week after I make the resolution”.  I would really like to see people resolving (and sticking to!), to do things more for others; for the homeless, for the hungry, being nicer to their neighbors, regardless of skin colour, race, creed, religious preference, sexual orientation, or economical status. Maybe by treating our neighbors with respect and kindness, our world will be a nicer place to live.
• Lately I’ve been feeling like a total shlub, and while I’m excited to finally have found a workout partner, I am torn between being the “big mama” (big in figure, big in family), and being the totally fit and fabulous person I should be. It’s really frustrating when I work in an environment where the men are constantly smoking, there’s a lot of dust and chemicals in the air, which ultimately makes it difficult for working out because it’s hard to breathe.
• Are we on the brink of a huge war / breakdown of society?
• This time next year, there will be a brand new family member added to our table, in the form of my newest granddaughter! My excitement is out of control!
• A friend of mine played a scratch ticket, and hit $75,000.00.  He spent his cash on vehicles, motorcycles, a new shop. This got me to thinking, what would I do if it was me who won that money? I would pay off my rent for a year, get my divorce, pay off my debt, and use some for a down payment on a house. put some away for my kids / grandkids. But the first thing I would do, is give a portion to my church, for everything they’ve done for me and mine. They say money changes you, but they never say if it’s for the better or worse. My hope is that it would change me for the better.
• How do you know when you’re in love and when it’s true love??
• I miss my SIT who’s off at basic right now. And in 2 days, my oldest soldier goes back to base. I’m glad I have 2 kids that are still near, well one is under 18 and the other has a family he’s dedicated to, in the next town over. Being a mama is hard, but the rewards in the end, are the moments filled with love that are the big payoff.

There is so much more rattling around in there…I may come back later and add an addendum to this post. We will see.

Until next time, darlings!

~Mama