The Final Months…

Teenagers. We were all one at some point. We were all probably pretty snarky to our parents, and the majority of us probably thought we knew it all and could take on the world.

As a parent, no one tells you just how difficult the final few months are; those last few months before they turn 18, when they are just chomping at the bit to leave the nest and start their lives. The home stretch just seems to drag on forever, and then, before you’ve realized it, 18th birthday has happened, and bam! They are running out the door before the candles on the birthday cake are out.

I currently have one teenager left in my household. She’s the final one of my underage kids. It’s been a very long journey; if you’ve followed my blog, you’ll know that my life has pretty much consists of raising kids, since I was 16.  Even before I had kids, I was the neighborhood / church babysitter. So basically, my whole life has revolved around children. I don’t mind it so much, but now I’m at a crossroads. I’m getting ready to be a fulltime “free” mama. This opens so many opportunities up for me, but that’s a blog for another day.

My last teenager as of late, has been really trying my patience. I love her dearly, but honestly, she’s getting to the point where I just don’t want her around right now. Don’t get me twisted, readers. I won’t give up on her, I won’t throw her out on her keyster. She’s a smart girl, but she is dumb in life. She makes thought-out choices in most situations, but her attitude of “I know best”, is getting the best of me. Not to mention, she’s said so many hurtful things within the last couple of months, it’s broken my heart. I know, I know. All kids do this. It’s perfectly normal. (Hell, I once was a heathen and completely disrespectful to my own mother).  But, as of late, she’s getting a little more bold with her mouth, I’ll spare you the gruesome details of that little slice. Grounding her just won’t work now, she’s too close to the end. So, let’s just say that I am thankful she has friends she can hang out with, and other parents to deal with her; it gives me a break and I KNOW she is better behaved when she’s out then when she’s at home. Repeat after me: This. Is. Normal.

She’s always saying how much she hates living at home, because she feels stranded (we kind of live out in the sticks, so I get it). She’s always talking about moving in with her friends. (Good luck with that, kiddo).  Once a parent observes her snarky ways, they’ll quickly give her the boot too. Granted, she may not be that way with the others, but you never know. Once the “new’ wears off, her attitude and unwillingness to help out on the parent’s terms, they’ll quickly give her the boot.

She is begging for a set of wheels, but she’s got no job, and I am just not in a place where I can afford to pay for a 2nd vehicle, let alone insurance. She knows that if she wants a car, she’ll have to work for it.  She’s failing right now in that department. I get that too; she wants to be a kid, and hang out with her friends, hiking, swimming, etc. She’s basically stuck between kid-dom, and adulthood.

What she doesn’t realize, is that when she’s out the door, I stop paying for all of her things; makeup, eyelashes, birth control, phone, clothes, food, etc. I probably won’t stop paying for her phone, but I will severely limit what she has access to. (meaning, she’ll get the joys of talk and text ONLY, but no snapchat, IG, or any other form of SM, because she won’t have access to unlimited data anymore).  I’ll still probably pay for her birth control, because she’s SO not ready for a kid, and admits that. Still, I’ll “threaten” her with it. (poor parenting? Maybe. But what would you do??)

I have high hopes for her, but she’s so unfocused right now; I feel like she will fall, and fall hard. I understand it’s part of the growing up process, but that doesn’t mean I’m not scared or worried for her. I can’t help that. Not only is she my last, but she’s my only girl. I don’t want anything to happen to her, the way things happened to me. I was stupid, I admit it. However, I was a product of my surroundings, and didn’t know better, not entirely anyway.  I was also a mom by 18, and I had way more responsibility than I knew what to do with, and had to make some pretty serious choices that would not only effect me, but my son as well. This is something I hope she doesn’t have to deal with at such a young age. (Raising babies as a teenager is harrrrrrrd). 

I can only hope I’ve done right by her, and pray that she can make it in this crazy, mixed up, world.  My job was to raise her into a strong, independent, fierce, smart young woman. She is all those things, but she hasn’t even begun to “live” yet. I never claimed to be a perfect parent, in fact, I probably had more failures than accomplishments. But I would say about 98% of the time, my kids came first. I made mistakes, lots of them. But I’ll never give up on these blessings I was given, no matter how hard they push me. God gave me a job to raise these children, and see them into adulthood. Some of them have had it harder than others, but they all turned out amazing. And as much as she is pissing me off right now, I feel she’s destined for greatness.

In the meantime, four months and counting. I’m hoping they don’t just drag on. I’m hoping they are easy. I’m hoping it’s a pleasant time for all of us. I’m hoping I can talk some sense into that little head of hers, and hoping that she’s got the gumption for understanding that, if you wanna act like a grownup, I’m gonna treat you like a grownup. But she’s damn sure gonna treat me with respect in the process, or she’s going to get a crash course in life, real quick.

I’d pray for strength, but experience tells me that the more I pray for strength, the more “obstacles” are put in place to “teach” me how to be strong.  I am just praying for her to be relaxed, open-minded, focused, loving, and respectful to all of us.

Until next time, dear readers…

~Mama

Learning to Save Money with a Teenage Girl

Most of my friends have children that are babies, toddlers, or elementary school age. There are a few that have high schoolers, but it seems that they are newbies at the whole teenager thing.  They have not had the experience yet of the next step of children: becoming teenagers.  This has proved to be a  difficult thing for me, in that I have had to do most of my learning and commiserating with women who have no idea what I am talking about.  The few friends that actually do have teenagers about the same age as mine, don’t really understand the joys of parenting said teens on a more than tight budget.

My family consists of 4 children; 3 boys, 1 girl. All the boys have long since moved out on their own, to raise families, start careers, or become members of (no particular) branch of the military, (another part of the “firsts” for my circle of friends).  The only child left, is my (almost) 16 year old daughter. In one respect, I’m very grateful my boys were first, and all that’s left is the girl.  (I never really knew or understood just how much energy and effort it takes to raise girls.  By comparison, my boys were easier.  Sure, they had their own set of issues, but nothing compared to the girl).

So, backing up for a moment, when I had all four of them living at home, expenses were tight. Real tight. I had to really utilize a budget plan, and make things work with very little money. Dinners were made usually from scratch, because it was slightly cheaper (and healthier), than buying all sorts of pre-made junky stuff. (Not that we didn’t eat our fair share of of mac and cheese and hot dogs, top ramen, or pancakes, mind you).  We relied on food banks, and help from others. Christmases were generally provided by charities, families, and so on. I afforded only a small amount of cheap presents, while the “good stuff” came from others. (talk about feeling bad about a situation).  Still, we made the most of it. We had our traditions, (Christmas story readings, Christmas eve mass, pumpkin patches, egg hunts, etc., anything that cost very little or nothing at all). There was no child support. Of course, I did go out to the bar, but I rarely drank, instead had my drink of choice: cherry coke, with 5 (yes 5), cherries in them. (or, someone would buy me a drink).  I nursed the hell out of it. I just needed the time be out of the house and be an adult, not just a “Mom”.

There was not extra income; I could only really make time for 1 job while raising a family.  Like I said, I had no choice but to buckle down, just to live paycheck to paycheck.  And that’s what I did. I managed my money, to the best of my ability, making sure the bills were mostly paid on time, and we kept a roof over our head (for as long as possible).  At one point, we lost our home, But that is a story for another day.

Since the boys moved out, (the last one moved out in June of this year), it’s been interesting to say the least, on trying to figure out how to adhere to a budget. While I have a little more breathing room, I am still scraping by. Not really sure how to fix this, or why I’m still scraping. Then it dawned on me. I have a teenage girl.

I really took a look at this, and how we are spending money. More than half the time, we eat out. I will “splurge” and by things she wants, on a whim. The biggest expense as of late? Homecoming.  After I tallied up everything I paid for (excluding the dress and shoes, someone else bought the dress, and the shoes were from last year’s outfit). I still ended up spending over $500.00. (Dinner, nails, makeup, ticket, accessories, etc.).  This really bothered me, a lot. How the hell could I manage to spend that much money, on ONE function? I had it planned out; I needed to save money too, because her birthday is less than a month away, then the holidays are back to back, and then, I’m throwing my youngest a going-away party as he heads off to basic. So much for saving money.

As the winter months come rolling in, and all these expenses pile up, I’m sort of at a loss. My brain hurts from trying to figure out how to spend less, while teaching my daughter about money all at the same time. She gets it, (sort of), but still expects me to go full out for these events. (Unfortunately, she got an early glimpse of being spoiled early on, because being the only girl, she sort of became “token” and was showered with gifts and things early. My boys did not have that luxury. It was definitely not an all encompassed way of life for them, and it was very frustrating for me, to say the least, because now I have the monster that has been created, and I’m dealing with how to correct this before she gets out there in the real world).

Basically it boils down to this: I need to find a way to make more money, or learn to save it better (where did that discipline go??), and teach my darling daughter, that if you want nice things, you have to earn them, and not just expect them to fall into your lap. I’ve tried the allowance thing, but that doesn’t work too well, because she spends the majority of her time with her friends. (her thing is, “well I don’t make all these dishes, why should I have to wash them? I don’t make all this trash, why should I have to empty it? While I kinda get where she’s coming from with that, it’s frustrating because I don’t have a better come-back than, “Because I said so!”

I hope as these next few months play out, that I can figure out a way to manage my finances better, and make all these events happen, with minimal spending.  I subscribe to various newsletters that help explain these sorts of things, but it’s all about being held accountable for it. I have no one to do that for me, except myself, and like most people, I fall into a pattern of sheer laziness, simply because it’s easier than actually being disciplined and focused. (Come one, admit it. You know you do too).

Any ideas on how to make that happen? Any ideas on how to hold myself accountable, without giving in to the slothiness of instant gratification?

Rumours

As the mother of teenagers and young adults, I’ve become quite familiar with just how quickly rumours and lies spread.  They aren’t kidding when they say it spreads as fast as wildfire, and creates as damage as much as one.  As of today, I’m learning the difference between rumours spread amongst boys vs. girls.

I always knew, even from my own experience growing up, just how vicious girls can be.  I was the butt of many jokes, usually because I was too skinny, too poor, wore hand me down clothes, or had glasses that encompassed half my face.  I was a four-eyed, nerdy, much too skinny girl from the ghetto.  Kids my age usually made me remember my place on the social ladder all too well.  There were the few occasions when I didn’t deal with this stigma, and usually it was when I went to visit my grandparents, or when I went to Christophany, a weekend teen retreat for young Episcopalians. I could find a way to not focus on my where I was from, how poor I was, and just be a totally different person, who was well-liked by all.

The reason I bring this up today, is because I realized a few weeks back that my own teenage daughter is becoming victim to the rumour mill.  She is normally a happy-go-lucky person, smiley and bubbly.  Talkative as hell.  Half the time I can’t get her to hush. As of late, she’s been quite the opposite; sadness in her eyes, not wanting to talk at all. It’s unnerving.

Today I received a disturbing text message from her “ex-bestie”, telling me that she thinks my girl was “drunk” this morning.  This girl went from saying people were telling her my girl was drunk, to, “oh I heard her say it in class”. (red flag number one).  Funny thing is, I can go home right now, and tell you that of the few bottle of wine I have, none have ever been opened. There is no beer, or hard liquor in the house either, and while she may enjoy the traditional “taste” of wine, just to see what it’s like, she has never once EVER had the opportunity to partake in full libations, nor does she want to.

I firmly believe this girl was intentionally trying to get my daughter in trouble, because her friends know that I won’t tolerate this type of behaviour.  I know that this girl and mine are no longer talking, but my girl has no idea why she won’t talk to her.  The girl has yet to give me a full explanation as to what happened, and just responds with, “just stuff”.

This isn’t the first time something like this has happened.  My daughter has had issues in the past with this girl, simply because my daughter wanted to be social with a mutual friend, even tho’ said mutual friend talked behind her back.  (no real proof, more of a heard it thru the grapevine, or rumour mill, if you will).  The friendship ended, the girl moved away, and that was the end of that situation.

Can you say, frustrated?  As a parent, I absolutely am.  Any other parents out there have any advice to share on this subject? I could really use it.

~Mama

14…

Today my daughter is 14.  She is the youngest of my children, the only girl, and the light of my life.  No, I’m not playing favourites, all my children lighten my world. Her gift is her light.  She teaches me so much. Time moves so quickly. Seems like yesterday she was this tiny little baby, helpless, dependent, lovely.  Enjoy your children, they do grow up, and grow up fast.

Happy birthday, darlin’…I love you everyday, and twice on Sunday.

   

Are we close yet?

Last night I had a very weird experience with my daughter. Okay maybe not weird per say, but definitely unusual.  She had a full-on, bawling breakdown, melt-down and glommed on to me so tight, it was reminiscent of her younger years.  (Bear in mind she is 13, going thru hormonal changes, but is not in “full womanly mode” yet, if you know what I mean).  She had a horrible day at school, I came home and made it worse by getting on her case about some things, which is what set her off into one of the most emotional melt-downs I have ever seen from her.  She cried for 20 minutes, while hugging me, and telling me just how upset she was because everyone was yelling at her, including some teachers and some nasty boys. I won’t go into detail about how big of an ass I felt for contributing to my daughter’s stress levels, all you need to know is I felt horrible. I helped to make her cry, and that’s so  not okay.

She talked, I listened. She cried. I cried with her. I offered her words of comfort, and she calmed down.  She hugged me, and I hugged her back even harder. It was definitely a memorable experience I won’t forget anytime soon.

After the waves of tears receded, she went to the bathroom to fix herself up, then came downstairs and proceeded to raid the fridge.  She was pleasant, and in much better spirits.  Even joked and laughed a bit.  As she stuffed leftover corn fritter cakes into her gullet, topping off each bite with several shakes from the hot sauce bottle, she tells me that she actually broke down and ate the school provided lunch.  My dear readers, you must understand that this is something she normally refrains from doing, as she professes quite regularly her displeasure in said lunches.  “The food is soggy, tasteless, and just plain gross”. However, on this particular day, she decided to get something; a chicken burger and jo-jos. She was very impressed with the selection and vowed to get more.  She also had a slight change of heart, and decided that going forward, she would give school lunches a second chance.  We shall see how it goes. The whole conversation made me raise an eyebrow and wonder, what exactly is she going thru?

The point of this blog today tho’, isn’t about the food, or the meltdown. It’s about the fact that I firmly believe that my beautiful little girl just might be getting ready to become a card carrying member and join the ranks of womanhood.  I am nervous. My other children are all boys, and boys, albeit awkward, were a lot easier to deal with than this.  The cracked and squeaky voices, the smells, the erections they weren’t sure what to do with. This is different because she’s a girl and she is my only daughter. I have very little experience with the dreaded visit from “aunt flo”, other than my own and it wasn’t exactly pleasant.  I will say this: we are prepared, for when it actually happens.

A long time ago, I created a care box for her; this included everything from pads, wipes, chocolate, teen formula midol and even heating pads to ease those cumbersome cramps.  I even threw in a little stuffed animal so she can rip its head off if she’s so inclined. Of course there’s the mummy, sentimental side in the box – a little card for her to read when she’s feeling like a total freak. (her words, not mine).  But don’t tell her I did that.  😉

I realize that as that time approaches, the next few years will be hell. For her and me.  I pray that I can gain wisdom from all of this, learn patience, find creative ways to be respectful to her plight and not go insane. I hope she sees my efforts one day, and she can pass on the tradition of a care box to her own daughter, if she happens to have one.

Well, no one ever said raising kids was easy. And if they did, they were lying. In the end however, it’s all worth it.

Are we there yet?

~Mama

Standing up to bullies

*names in this blog have been changed

Today my lovely daughter came home and said, “mum? how would you feel if Annie and I weren’t friends anymore?” I asked her what she meant to which she replied, “I am just done with the situation.  Her friendship is fake, she’s a messy person, she’s NOT respectful to me, she injured me (not on purpose, it just happened), she tells secrets that I confide in her, makes fun of me, then turns around and thinks i’m overreacting.  Do you think it would be bad to do it over a text?” 

My first knee-gut reaction was who does this child think she is, breaking my daughter’s heart like that?  Do I need to have a face to face with this girls mother? Of course I did not let that show on the outside and instead sat down to listen to her tale of woe.

My girl and Annie have been friends for a few years now and it seems that anytime her and Annie hang out, or Annie has spent the night, she’s always getting my girl into trouble. Makes sense now why she doesn’t want to be friends, but at the time I thought it was girls being girls. (hindsight, you know?)

I asked my girl if she understood what that meant, to just end a friendship and what needs to happen.  She said she did, but didn’t want to call her because she knew that Annie would have a full-on, freak out with my girl and she didn’t want to be a part of that.  She was already upset for having to go thru this, and experience the hardships of having that one bad friend who causes nothing but drama.

I understood, and told her she has my full support but be prepared that it might cause issues at school.  I told her she should do it gently, and speak kindly, and make sure she knew that just because the friendship was ending, she didn’t have to be ignorant or mean to her.  She said she knew that, but she wasn’t going to reach out to her anymore.

I asked her if she was sure she wanted to do it via text, she said yes.  I did advise her that breakups over text, friendship or otherwise, was frowned upon in the “adult” world, that handling such matters should be done face to face, but she really didn’t want Annie to get pissy or in her face, that the confrontation might be worse.  “It’s your choice how you want to do this”, I told her.  So, she proceeded with the text.  She carefully thought out what she was going to say, and tried not to say anything that was mean or rude, just kept the facts plain and simple, and left the emotion out of it.  (for a 13 year old, she’s quite mature I think, in these matters).  My girl was quite pleased with her words, even asked my opinion on if I thought they were appropriate. Off went the text and we awaited the storm.

Annie did not have the same appreciation for her words, proceeded to blow up the phone with calls and texts, to which my girl did not respond. “Annie is pretty mad at me”, she said with a look in her eye, almost feeling bad about the choice she made.  We talked about this feeling, and discussed the repercussions of what was to come the next school day, to which she said I know it’s going to be hard, but it had to be done.

Then she said something that I wish I had when I was her age.  She told me she did NOT want toxic people in her life, and only wanted to be around people who respected her.  How did my precious 13 year old learn this? When did she become aware of being around respectful people?  Had my hard work raising this child to not follow in my footsteps begin to pay off?  Granted, she’s only 13 but still. She’s juuuust 13.  I was floored when she told me this, but mostly quite proud of her for taking a stand to not be bullied into thinking that just because someone says they are your friend, and act like a total “butt”, doesn’t mean you have to put up with it.  You CAN say no and you CAN walk away.  I don’t want you to think, my dear readers, that she is not saddened by losing a friendship.  She is.  She agonized over it for quite some time, before making her decision to end something that was not good for her.

I am so elated that my daughter has “balls”, so to speak, of having enough self-worth to take care and pride in herself.  When I was her age, I was quite the opposite. I was well on my way to becoming a damaged person.  But somehow, I had enough in me to set an example that my daughter took notice of.  I couldn’t be more pleased or grateful about that.  I am quite sure that she will grow up to be an amazing, smart, strong, intelligent woman.  The one I should have been but didn’t have the courage.

Insomnia

I thought my days of no sleep would end when the kids got older.  It seems that is not the case. Kids, infants rather, are notorious robbers of parents sleep.  Either hungry, need a changing, or just plain cranky because they want to be.  Then…there’s the time when things start to calm down, children seem to find their rhythm, and if we’re lucky, a normal schedule.

I’m not sure what happens but somehow those days of missed sleep (at least for me anyway), has turned me into a very early riser.  Some nights, I get very little sleep. I’m sure I’m not the only one who deals with this, am I?  

I have two teenagers (beginner teen and mid teen), currently at home; they are amazingly wonderful kids and they certainly don’t do things to keep me up at night, except maybe miss their bedtime because they’re too busy playin’ vid games. (given the status of other children and the stress they cause I’m very thankful for this being the only real trial at the moment), I can’t figure out why insomnia rears its caffeinated, energy filled head in my direction.  (Even now as I type this I’m having a hard time focusing on my words; are they making any sense right now? lol)   

Maybe I will outgrow this someday, but on the bright side, I can honestly say that I will sleep when I’m dead, but but damn pass me a cup of coffee, will yah? 😉