Remembering Billski

On July 30, 2011, my father passed away. It was a very difficult time for our family, and since then, it’s basically fallen completely apart. There was a huge rift between us siblings, and has only gotten bigger in the last 5 years, to the point that we haven’t had a family gathering with everyone present in many years.

The day we found out he had colon cancer, we all “seemingly” pulled together to be there as he fought the hard battle.  And fight he did; for 2 years. I remember watching him wither away to nothingness, and finally give up the ghost.

My dad was an avid collector of guns. He knew a collector’s item from a mile away, he knew what was the best weapon, the best fire power, he could take one apart and put it back together, with one eye closed, and one hand tied behind his back.  When he passed away, he was actually doing just that, cleaning and putting one back together. (Ironically, they had to close off the scene just to be sure he didn’t commit suicide, because he had his weapon on his bed).

After the funeral was over, phone calls made, condolences given, everyone drifted apart.  Wait. Let me re-phrase that.  Certain siblings were made to feel unwelcome, and not part of the family.  Others continued to band together, and solidified their bond, while others were pushed out. My step-mother continually wished for us to all get together at some point, but to no avail.  I think she still holds hope in her heart for this to happen, but until everyone gets over their issues (and at this point, I’m not even sure what they are), this will never happen.

I used to be really upset, to not be included as part of the family.  But, at 41 years young, it doesn’t bother me like it used to.  I’ve made “framily” friendships that fill that void, but from time to time, when I see everyone all together playing “happy family”, it stings a little bit, and I feel like I’m a wounded bird.

I probably shouldn’t feel this way, I always had a hard time fitting into  my family units; as a lot of kids in the 70’s / 80’s of divorced parents did back in those days. I was lucky, in that I had 2 (technically 3), family units, and I never really felt like I fit. Don’t get me wrong, I think we all loved each other at some point, but as we got older, our relationships fizzled. There are definitely a couple of siblings who remain in regular contact with me, but it’s with the others, that chapter of the book has ended.  Then again…who knows? Maybe there will be a sequel, and everyone will come to their senses? I won’t hold my breathe.

I guess the hardest part of remembering my dads passing, is that, I wished I would have gotten a chance to know him better.  He wasn’t exactly present during my youth, and it wasn’t until he got sick, did things actually change between him and I.  We didn’t really have a strained relationship, more like an absent one. (He was across the country, I was in PA, he was in WA.  Out of sight, out of mind, maybe?)

As he faded out, we spent a lot of time together, and while I was unemployed then, I feel like I was supposed to be, so that I could be there for him.  His last week on this earth, he went back to work, part time I believe, doing what he loved.  (In an ironic twist of fate, I found a job too, and we both started at the same time; I should have realized it was a sign).

He worked security at a super-secret location. I can’t tell you where, but I can tell you it was for a very big name. He called me one morning, on his way home, to tell me he loved me, and he wanted to fill me in on the details of going back to work, but he was tired and would call me later. That was the last phone call I ever received from him.  Unfortunately for me, I didn’t call him back right away, and I have regretted it ever since. If I had only called him, just to hear his voice, one more time.

I harbored a lot of resentment towards my siblings, because they got to spend way more time with him than I ever did. I mean, sure, I had “moments”, but I didn’t get to grow up around him. I was angry at him for divorcing my mother; I wanted a loving, 2-parent household, and not the mom / disrespectful stepdad who showed me, that screaming at each other was the only way to resolve conflict. I was angry because we were poor, and my dad, was not, and really angry because he didn’t ever pay his child support on time (so I was told).

There’s a million reasons as to why I was angry, but only one reason why I loved him. Because, even tho he wasn’t around for me much, in those last days I knew he thought of me often.

I had 2 wishes: 1: I had more time with him and 2: We could all pull together and put our differences aside and be a real family. Since I know these things won’t come to fruition, I will keep the good memories in my heart, and continue to pray for everyone.

I miss you, Pop. RIP.

 

Developments & Progress

It’s been a year and a half since my last entry.  So many wonderful and interesting things have happened since then.  It’s been amazing to watch the transformation of what was once a very unbalanced life, to something more pleasant and beautiful.  Here is a brief rundown:

I’m still working for the same company I have been working for, since January of 2015.  The company has grown exponentially, into something that is a staple for our community; from RV, horse, trailer repair and more, it’s definitely something that’s going to stick around for a while.  With that said, I’m limited on personal growth, and I’m finding it to be difficult to continue working in an environment I’m not entirely happy in.  Don’t get me wrong, I love being the responsible person, and I love the title of “Office Manager”, I feel like my talents, skills & passion is not being utilized to the fullest potential.  I am currently watching for openings in an (undisclosed) location, for a position that will help me not only grow, but feel useful and needed.

Easter, 2015 – My brother and his family came to visit us.  We had an amazing time!  We all went to the space needle, and it was a first for my sons, my daughter, the grandbaby, and well my brothers fiance’, son & daughter too. It made me realize just how much I miss them all.

In July of 2015, my family & I moved out of our tiny, cramped, 840 sq ft 2 bedroom, 1 bathroom townhome, into a lovely, spacious, 3 bedroom, 2 bathroom free standing house, complete with a front AND back yard, shed, fruit trees, fire pit, covered porch and covered deck, and a propane grill to boot! We couldn’t be happier, and I feel so much at home here.  I have found my “zen” spot.  Shortly after we moved in, and we had a LOT of help from our church family, and friends getting us out of one place to another, we had our house blessing and we have been feeling the love, ever since. I couldn’t ask for a more perfect place to live.

Shortly after we moved in, the landlords came back from their trip and the teenagers that live with them almost burned down our new house, by lighting fireworks.  One of the embers got buried in the gardens out front and a huge fire ensued. But, everyone pitched in and put it out so we were safe.

My daughter took her first plane ride shortly after the whole fire incident.  She spent almost 8 weeks in CA! I was missing her very much.

September came along, and the kids started school.  One was starting his senior year, and the other, freshman year.  Talk about changes!  It was a very bittersweet time, and adjustments had to be made, all the way around.

Then, in November, my oldest came home for holiday leave for 2 weeks.  The hardest part of being a parent, is after they grow up, you really get an understanding of how much they were a part of your life when they were small. I love when they come to visit, but I hate when they leave. I know…seasons of life, right?

A new year came, and we discovered my 2nd kiddo and his partner were expecting again, but we later found out she miscarried. This was heart-breaking, but they will try again another time.

March….March was amazing.  About 2 weeks before I turned 41, I had my very first art showing at a local winery.  The turnout was amazing, and I sold two pieces.

Since then, I’ve shot for a local venue, the Monroe Arts Council had their annual “Arti-gras” function to raise money.  (I earned lots of “exposure bucks” that night! lol) Seriously tho’, it was a lot of fun and I made a few new friends.

For my birthday, I took my daughter way up north to see the tulip fields. That was a lot of fun. I’ve never been there, and let me tell you, it was absolutely gorgeous to see the rolling hills, covered in all kinds of coloured tulips and daffodils. I may take her again next year, but stay in a much nicer hotel and maybe stay a little longer and visit the different gardens.

I need to step back. In January, I made a decision to start exercising, and becoming healthier, because as much as I love the idea of being the “big mama” in the apron in the kitchen, with all my kin around, me baking up a storm for them, I don’t necessarily want to be “big”.  I began researching my goals, and seeing if I could make this change work and set a plan in motion to change my life for the better.

Then in April, I found out that I had a couple of lumps in my breast. I was scared shitless. Being so young, and cancer being so rampant in my family, I didn’t want this to be the end of my life, or something that would complicate it.  I was just devastated, before I even got any results. Of course, right before I found out about that, (right around my birthday, as was my plan to start then), I just signed up for a gym membership, bought a fitbit, started doing a bit of diet modification, began seeing a naturopath, and so on. So this news was a bit of a blow. I broke down in church, I had lots of prayer warriors praying for me. The hardest part was that so many people kept telling me, that these things are pretty normal, and so on, but regardless of that fact, it felt like my feelings were being minimalized. I didn’t care that it was “normal”, it wasn’t normal to me. They all meant well, of course, and that was their way of showing support. In the end, I turned out to be “normal”, but I never want to feel that kind of stress again.

June came, and the last of my sons graduated from high school. Again, another bitter-sweet moment of pure joy, to watch my son walk down the aisle to receive his diploma. I of course cried, as parents do in these types of situations. He’s on to bigger and better things now, and I couldn’t be more proud of him.

Here we are, the beginning of July, and things are going pretty well. I’m still going strong at the gym, been going regularly for 3 months, lost a little weight.  Still proudly wear my Fitbit, and still keeping track of my food intake.  Currently, we are gearing up for our trip to CA, to visit my brother and his family.  I hope to go at least once more before the end of the year.  The exciting part of this news is that I’ve been given permission to take my granddaughter on this trip! It’s been a while since i’ve traveled with a toddler before, so i’m a bit rusty, and very nervous. I’m sure it’ll be just fine tho’.

While this year is filled with so many changes, I feel extremely blessed to have the life I do.  Sure it’s filled with chaos at times, but then again, so are most folks.

So, that’s my update, and why i’ve been MIA.  I hope that you are all doing well.

Until next time, darlings….